/ complaints

A Letter I Would Write if I Were In Charge of Things at…

<p>Complaints Office for Passengers &#38; Pedestrians (COPP)<br />

123 Main Street

New York NY 10016

<p>Ms. Greta Holdshook<br />

123 Main Street

Princeton, NJ 05821

<p>Dear Ms Holdshook-</p>

<p>It has come to the attention of this office that there are several complaints levied against you, for your thoughtless and irritating behavior on New Jersey Transit&#8217;s Northeast Corridor line, and along several blocks of sidewalk along Thirty-second street in Manhattan.  As the main spokesperson for the newly formed Complaints Office for Passengers and Pedestrians (COPP), concerned with making the daily commute into Manhattan a pleasant one for all of us, I have taken the liberty of preparing this document for you, which serves as a handy list of hints and &#8220;tips of the trade&#8221; to help you become a better passenger.  Oh, and we&#8217;re charging you a fine for being such an asshole.</p>

<p>When the 8:13 express from Metropark arrives in Penn Station, discharging hundreds of passengers onto a slim platform, made even thinner by elevator cores added after the fact, you should realize that this is not the time to straighten your skirt, fix your hair, or check makeup.  You were described as looking like &#8220;a hooker getting out of a John&#8217;s car&#8221;, for chrissakes.  Keep it moving.</p>

<p>Secondly, should you be lucky enough to ease into a spot on the escalator, embrace that gift and do not squander it.  That is to say, use the legs that carried you to the escalator to propel you up the fucking steps.  Just because the escalator steps are in motion does not mean that you should not be in motion.  Keep it moving.</p>

<p>Furthermore, the sidewalks along Thirty-second Street are indended to be used as a pedestrian conveyance, and they a limited resource.  It should go without mention that this is not the place to embark on a window shopping jaunt.  The vendors that line the street, their card tables laden with fake Nike windbreakers and bootlegged DVDs of movies still in theatres do not constitute a mall or shopping plaza of any kind.  Their shoddy products are not worth your money; more importantly they are not worth my time, and that is precisely what you are wasting when you stop short at the &#8220;fi-dolla Rolex&#8221; table, forcing me to go around you.</p>

<p>By the way, unless you have taken to downing a quart of scotch in the morning, it is the belief of this office that you should be able to walk in a straight line.  Your tortoise-like pace is annoying enough, the weaving makes passing difficult.  Stop it; straighten it out.</p>

<p>We here at COPP are concerned with making the commute a pleasant one for all.  As a result of your behavior this office sees no alternative but to fine you&#8212;let&#8217;s call it an even fifty bucks&#8212;payable to this office upon receipt of this letter.  Failure to comply will result in a public reading of this letter to you, on the 8:13 express from Metropark, in front of all the people you are inconveniencing.  </p>

<p>We hope that you can take these recommendations to heart, they will help you and in turn help all of us.  Good luck, best wishes, and see you on the rails, you stupid idiot.</p>

<p>Hugs &#38; Kisses, </p>

<p>Complaints Office for Passengers &#38; Pedestrians (COPP)</p>