Washington, DC
November 3, 2004

John Ashcroft today announced that all American citizens are to refer to President Bush as “Mr. President”, eschewing the use of the word ‘bush’, due to its lewd sexual connotation. He also made the following statement to the American people:

Go back to bed now, sleepyheads. Sleep tight, America. You’ve done Karl Rove proud. Go back to sleep now, and don’t pay any attention to anything until we tell you to do so. Shhhh, sleep. Sleep.

Shhhhh…

CNN is projecting Ohio a green state, too close to call, blah blah blah. It’s 2AM, and I am sick to my stomach. Why is it this close? Look at all that red! This is sickening. You make me sick, America 51%, and your 249 EVs and counting. Sick to my stomach.

While the race for President remains undecided, at least we have a clear result on the whole homo litmus test; ten of eleven states with a gay marriage provision at stake voted against the inclusion of homosexuals as members of the human race. Nice.

Oh, now Iowa says “wait ‘till tomorrow”, citing mechanical problems and fatigue. What is this, the Tour de France?

Many networks are already calling Ohio a fascist—I mean red—state at this hour, signalling for all intents and purposes the end of this election, signalling a refinement, a solidification of the policies and appointments of the last four years of Rove Nation.

Can’t wait to see what I wake up to tomorrow, but the way things are going, I’m rather scared to see what I wake up to, say, three years from now.