Sales Pitch


"OK, so I want to have a brokers-only open house on Tuesday…"

"But, I'm gonna be working from home that day, because I'm meeting a moving company representative."

"Oh, no problem, you won't even know we're here."

Yeah, right.

Our realtor is like so many other successful realtors, which is to say she can be a little pushy at times. She gets what she wants, but since in our case what she wants is what we want (one sold house), it's all good. But sometimes, it can get annoying. She showed up on time, with sandwiches and beverages and plates and napkins, and a plant. It was all set up in under five minutes, transforming our dining room table into a nice lunch spread. Her cell phone rang approximately 56 times in this period.

Hoping that I really would be left alone, I returned to my work. Shortly thereafter I was instructed to turn on every light in the house, as doors were being opened (where's Emma? Hmm…), and then I'm told not only to turn on the radio, but what station to tune it to. Clearly, she'd done this a time or two.

So, with the painfully dull sounds of "smooth jazz" wafting through the house, the brokers came and went. It was after that that I learned that our house was now officially on the market and open for business, available for client showings, etcetera and so forth. I thought that Sunday was day one for showings, but apparently I misunderstood. Within an hour my realtor was parading her client through the house, while Emma stayed close by.

Now the fun began. I got to overhear everything that was great about our place, as well as everything that was wrong with it. It was like a house audition. "We're looking for someone a little taller/younger/blonder, thanks anyway."

Questions began to filter up to my office. "Rawb, which appliances are included again?" All of them. Just take them all. Buy this place now; I'll even go down on your client if you think it will help close the sale, I want this over with…

"All of them. That new fridge is just too darned big to take all the way to Colorado!"

Oh, how they laughed. So there I was, spewing sales pitches of my own, thinly disguised as weak jokes. Pathetic.

Another potential buyer came by later in the afternoon with her broker, and by this time I had my Mr. Microphone out and Emma was training a followspot on me. I was on, baby!

In truth, I laid low for this one, speaking only when spoken to. Shortly thereafter my realtor called me and said that -- after being on the market for all of three hours -- we have an offer coming in on the house already; we find out today what the details are.

We were outbid on three or four other houses before buying this one three years ago. It's nice to be on this side of the fence, but I know that the same craziness awaits Brenda & I when we look to buy something out in Boulder.

Boulder


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Rob Guglielmetti

lighting simulationist, crossfitter, former drinker.


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