The Problem with Whole Foods
It’s not that it’s always crowded, it’s not the hypocrisy of their touting sustainability while selling Chilean Tomatoes in the Garden State, it’s not the fact that they charge five clams for a tomato and cheese sandwich. The real problem with Whole Foods, at least here at the Boulder branch, is that the entire joint is crawling with two kinds of people, both of whom are irritating to the point that they give me a headache.
On the one hand, you have these self-absorbed health nuts wandering the aisles in their Patagonia walking pants and their Crocs and their hydration packs, zipping to and fro, stopping short at every goddamned free sample hawker (of which there are too many crowding the crowded aisles—a topic for another rant later), all the while wearing these sickeningly smug, self-satisfied smirks on their faces that seem to say “look at me; I’m never going to die”.
On the other hand you have these Patchouli-laden Naropa University poetry majors (hippies) to contend with. These free spirit-types like to float around the aisles—slowly, I might add—in search of tempeh, or flax. They get in the way, and they annoy me when they get upset over my overt displays of displeasure with their aroma and their happy attitude.
I just want to get something with meat in it and get the hell outta there, for chrissakes.
After doing battle with these evil forces for 20 minutes, I have usually lost whatever appetite I had, and my blood pressure is up 20 points to boot. I could actually eat nothing but grass smoothies in that joint and I’d still be unhealthier than if I simply went to El Taco Loco every day as is my wont, simply because the chilled-out groovy healthy climate in Whole Foods drives me NUTSO!
(I guess this is the first post on this website filed under Boulder and complaints. Don’t worry, I still love it here. I just hate everyone in Whole Foods. Oh, and the drivers all suck here too.)
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Reminds me of a health food store when I lived in Paonia, CO. Probably not half as busy as boulder… but the store I experienced was the hippy hangout… hard to tell who actually worked there… and they all had names like River, Anarchy, Tree etc… I spent my share of time sipping Ginger Brew, Carrot+Orange Juice, Wheatgrass, Dried fruit and best of all – BOULDER CHIPS! Those rock!!
And some folks wonder why I don’t go to Whole Foods. I’m with you on your observations and frustrations about shopping there. Ugh!
Though I must say, I love the smell of Patchouli oil, and wear it from time to time. making mental note not to go near you when I’m wearing it
Reminds me of the 3/20 posting over at http://www.waiterrant.net, entitled “Soy People”.
Best of luck with that, Rob. You’ve apprently moved into the “Granola Belt”, which stretches from Cambridge, MA, to Berkeley, CA.
-Jack
Hey, Rob, hell is other people. I didn’t coin that but it fits this post, no? I say, give the hippies a break. At least they are not starting any wars. Casualties are usually low at love ins.
PS. The new design looks great!
I can’t get within 50 feet of a Whole Foods. Why? Because out by you they have hippies. Here in north Jersey….Hippie wannabees. Much worse than the real thing.
Love some of the stuff they have at Whole Foods, but just like the latest release from John Tesh, I really can’t commit.
Happy Birthday Rob!
While we’re placing people in easy little categories, we might as well add a third group of people at Whole Foods:
those that dislike lifestyles that are different than their own and enjoy nothing more than to complain about it. lighten up dude!
LOL. Galen here would be one of those Healthy People. I was going to say that you have unfairly characterized me there, but you know what, it’s true; I do enjoy complaining. I’m good at it.
And in general, you tend to move quickly through the aisles, so even though you wear the “I’m never going to die” face you’re still OK in my book.
I’ll watch what I say from now on. Sorry to have offended anyone.
I just linked to this story on my blog, because it is is one of the best damn depictions of what shopping at Whole Foods is like.
Do I like it better than any other grocery store? Hell yeah. Am I glad to spend my money there, sort of reinvesting into something I believe in – you bet. Do I agree with your cynical commentary in this store? Heck yeah – and it makes me chuckle every time I walk through Whole Foods thinking about it.
Whole Foods has revitalized an entire area of NW Washington DC, and area that, even just 5 years ago was full of boarded up historic homes, drug dealers and hookers. This store almost single handedly changed the neighborhood into one of the arguably most interesting, vibrant thriving parts of this conservative city. Is gentrification good? Shoot, I don’t know – too large of a topic to dump into this comment box. I do know that I like my neighborhood, and Whole Foods has a lot to do with that.
But seriously – stop pushing around carts when all you have inside are a grapefruit, two carrots and one naked juice. Get a basket!
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