On Skeleton

Hold it, just hold on a fucking second. The last several Olympics, summer and winter, have carried a certain sporting elitist criticism on various new sports added to the games. Sports like snowboarding and BMX have been derided by various idiots as not being true sports, presumably because the sports’ elite athletes utter words like “stoked” — or the more vehement “totally stoked” — to explain the inner workings of the sport. Frontside. Backside. Fakie. McTwist. Apparently these are unacceptable bastardizations of the English language, but somehow Slachow is perfectly acceptable conversation if you are listening to Scott Hamilton.

Well, this shit all annoyed me but I pawned it off as old school stupidity and narrow mindedness — until tonight, when an event called “Skeleton” was advertised; I tuned in.

Skeleton, Salchow, what’s the difference? The difference is that the latter is an old move that figure skaters do, something about inside edges and outside edges, and landing, and ice, and skates, and I’m bored already. The former, well, the former is not some Halloween prank or costume but rather a freakshow stunt that seems like it made its debut on the MTV show “Jackass” and not a “sport” worthy of any attention on national television or awarding of precious metal medals for the “best” performers of same idiotic activity. But there it is, skeleton, men’s and women’s events, on the TV, with people talking about it like it’s an actual sport. Medals awarded. Let’s compare and contrast “Skeleton” to another winter Olympic sport that proponents should question whether theirs is any more or less a sport than snowboarding or BMX, shall we?

Luge: insane thrillseekers pull through a standing start, then lay on their backs, and proceed to head, feet first, on rails at speeds of 70 MPH and steer — dubiously, I might add — with their legs while they careen down an ice chute toward certain death; winner is the one who gets down the chute fastest while remaining alive. People yell “whoo!”, and ring bells, in encouragement.

Skeleton: insane, moronic, retarded thrillseekers get a RUNNING start, then lay on their STOMACHS on a plastic tub attached to steel rails and proceed to careen, HEAD FIRST, on the same ice chute with little to no directional control, toward certain death; winner is the one who gets down the chute fastest while remaining alive and with their skulls still attached to their spinal columns. People yell “whoo!” and ring bells in encouragement, but the “whoo’s” and the bell ringing has this tentative feel to it, like they are being emitted by people who are feeling like they are about to witness a horrific, decapitating crash at any moment.

This skeleton shit, this is a goddamned freakshow, is what this is. And yet, the commentators talk about this insanity as if it’s a perfectly legitimate “sport”. My questions for these puppets are: Is Johnny Knoxville on the US team, maybe in a coaching capacity, and do they foresee a companion event where instead of using carbon fiber slabs to careen to certain death, they will do a variation of skeleton where they use shopping carts instead? I think it would be awesome to see those uniforms: maybe a red, white and blue leopard print thong or something — with scrotum padding of course.

What do you think?