Six Years Gone, and Good Riddance
Six years ago this past week, my dad died. I think I’m finally coming to terms with it all, coming to terms with the fact that he was no father to me, that he literally left my sister & me to fend for ourselves almost twenty years prior to his death, when my sister & I were merely teenagers. Ahh, but that was just the legal part (if it’s even true, but who cares, because to delve deeper would involve characters in my life that I hate and care not to associate with ever again).
In retrospect, “dad” left me and my sister behind, many years before that. Recent revelations make a lot of shit make sense and at the same time leave me as confused as ever. But one thing is for sure, I should never have even tried to pretend I had a biological father growing up. I just wish I hadn’t wasted all that energy pretending I did.
I’m working on closure, or whatever you want to call it. Kinda hard, because the one thing I really want to do is confront that asshole, about a lot of things, but he’s just a collection of ashes in my so-called stepmother’s house, a property I will never set foot on again, and a property I was never comfortable setting foot on in the first place.
I’m in a weird place. Of course I’m not glad he’s dead, or that he went through such a horrible experience as cancer. I just wish I could have realized years ago that he was not worth dealing with, not worth divorcing myself from the rest of his family, not wasting all the energy. It would have made the lead-up to, and the aftermath of, his death so much easier.
But how strange it is, to have all these “ah ha” moments, years after the fact; they have been flowing for months, ever since my sister & I finally requested a copy of dad’s will — an attempt at closure which, for the last few months, it has opened more wounds, but I believe ultimately will close the books on this for good. A friend rhetorically asked me recently, “was he really such a horrible man?”. The answer is yes, and it’s because he managed to present a front of kindness that makes people question my judgment on him, while all the time he was alive he was being a cheater and a liar and a shirker of responsibility to humans he brought into the world. He was good, to many people — when he could manage, and when it suited him. But he was rarely much to me and I say you bring a person into this world, you suck it up and be good to that person, you be a father to that person. You raise him, as best you can (even being a guy who left the house when your son is all of five years old, because you wanted to take up with a secretary you were having sex with while you were married to the aforementioned son’s mother (and let’s not even get into all the other women that followed, for years, women the son knows about and can prove, in case certain people are reading)).
And that means being involved in his life, caring about what he’s interested in, even if it’s not what you’re interested in. Being a force in the kid’s life. Being a fan, an advocate, when you can (full time is the ideal, but more than 2% is required, I feel).
Not pretending to be the kid’s father.
Not expecting to get a pass, when the kid is an adult.
Certainly not making the kid never want to have kids of his own — which is precisely what my dad did.
You can go back and read my posts from six years ago, when I struggled with the feelings of loss and anger simultaneously. It’s not evident in many of the posts, I was busy playing the sad son. But under the surface, starting from the day of his memorial service, a lot of shit came roaring back. And it’s been messing with me ever since.
I’d like to say this post is some sort of liberation decree, that starting today I walk forward without the memories of all that was wrong with my childhood (and adolescence, and hell, even adulthood), but alas I cannot guarantee that. Shit, I wouldn’t be writing this if that were true. But I am resolving today to start exhaling. And breath by breath, the shit inside me that is the product of four decades of bullshit and denial, will be expunged from my mental database. If I can’t do that, I’ll go crazy.
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10 comments
dearest Friend…if we can help you in any way to come out the other side with some joy in your life, please don’t hesitate to ask…. but we know that asking isn’t your style, so just be willing to accept the love and the hugs that we offer to you. You’re too good to waste your life in the bitter/negative side!!!
Thanks Judy (and Rod and Mattie), really. It’s all good. Exhaling…
Rob… reading this post has brought tears to my eyes. It hurts me to read about the hurt you have been through in your life due to your “so-called Father.” It hurts me because your life’s story in this regard is so similar to mine, but my “so-called Father” is still alive and I struggle with wondering if I should confront him while he’s still alive (and I’ve been purposefully estranged from him and his wife for going on 15 years), or if I should continue to have him as a non-entity until he passes away… possibly regretting not confronting him. (?)
I am glad you are working your way to letting it all go and exhaling. I recently heard a very meaningful quote: “You cannot find peace until you have all the pieces.” Depending on how you look at it, I believe this can apply to losing your Father (and no, I won’t say “Dad”), and working through all the pain he caused you and letting it all go. Not to mention, carrying hate and anger is only hurting you, and using a lot of energy.
My hope if for one day you just don’t care anymore… that you’ve completely let go.
Many healing hugs to you, Rob.
Amy
Hey Rob,
I posted a comment yesterday but it looks like it got lost in the internets. I just wanted to say hang in there but mostly, I wanted to tell you there is only one way out this: forgiveness. It seems like an unreasonable request to make of you but remember, it’s for you, not your departed father. You forgive him his sins and you will be uplifted in ways you can’t begin to imagine and you will also then be able to forgive yourself for having bad thoughts about him.
But, he deserves your venom, you think. Why should you feel bad at having these thoughts? Well, you just will, somewhere deep down in there. It’s like an inescapable law of karma, or something. We often fool ourselves on these things. We think that because somebody deserves to have hate/bitterness/revenge directed towards him, this does not affect the person projecting these thoughts. WRONG! You end up hating yourself too. Depression, dude. Depression is anger turned inward. Don’t ask me how I know this. ;-)
Anyway, if you ever want to talk, give me a ring. I have a million half-baked theories on this shit and one of them is bound to work for you. ;-)
I think you’re on your way with this post. Take care.
Rob,
I went through a series of similar things with my father so if it’s any consolation you’re not alone. I don’t know if there is any actual “closure” with things of this nature more like an emotional wound that’s healed. I think the term “closure” is mostly a b.s. term.
My father lost his construction business when I was around 5-6 years old and began drinking more heavily. He began going around with strippers and go-go dancers. Some of it out in the open, who knows what really went on most of the time.
Like people of that generation nothing was dealt with honestly, my mother went on with her life didn’t deal with anything, my father came home every night after having 4-5 beers drank some wine, watched Walter Cronkite, Archie Bunker and the Jeffersons and then passed out on the couch.
On weekends/summers, I’d go to work with him. He would go to a go-go/strip bar everyday for lunch and then back again after work. Most of the times he would take me with him into these bars. He was oblivious of the fact that taking a 8 year old to places like this was fucked-up.
Sometimes I wasn’t able to get into these places so my father would buy me some comic books or some baseball cards and leave me in his truck for a couple of hours while he was inside the bar.
Sometimes my father didn’t go to work because he had to drive one of the dancers to a job in another town. So I went with him sometimes I was left alone in the truck for an hour or two. Sometimes I watched the women strip and tried to comprehend the whole action as best as a 10-11 year old can.
This went on until he died when I was 15.
He was basically a very affable man and got along well with just about everyone. He wasn’t a mean person and was actually kind of a gentle/funny person but as a father he was completely irresponsible and a total fuck-up.
I spent 3 years in therapy about 10 years ago and that helped quite a bit. But my mother never wanted to talk about anything and my older sister refused to admit there was anything wrong with my father. She still refers to him as a “Happy Drunk”
I say anything negative about my father, I’m the one that gets attacked.
So it goes.
Thanks folks, big thanks for all the comments. Lots to think about. Perry, I never thought about the forgiveness as being for me rather than him. Excellent point. Amy, I really don’t now what to say. I think it’s bad that I never aired all my laundry with him while he was alive, but who’s to say that I’d feel any different had I done that? No way to know. John, I never knew about your dad, but thanks for sharing that. I hear ya, it’s hard when no one wants to confront the realities of someone’s failings, especially when you’re ready to do so.
Onward.
Onward and upward Rob. As I said today, we have each other and our amazing spouses (and pets; as I type this I hear Daisy woofing in her sleep.). The evil/stupid people have each other for the rest of their lives. We are the winners. and we will survive.
Rob, that forgiveness stuff is straight out Buddhism 101 (oneness with all things). That Buddhism is great shit when you start digging into it and no, no way is it a religion—it’s a system for living. I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts so now I am an “expert.”. ;-)
Hey Rob, it’s amazing that you are leading everyone to believe you were more or less orphaned…left you to” fend for yourselves”…hum….what about the mother that raised you when this awful father dropped out of your life???? She WAS there raising you as both mother & father! I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid, they are YOUR feelings after all. But you AND Christina should be ashamed of yourselves for pretending you ONLY have your amazing spouse’s, and pets in your life. You also have a mother who raised you (good or bad) who loves you both very much. It’s just a shame, Rob that you can spew such venom about your father and not bother to mention that you have a mother that tried to take over his job in his selfish absence. It’s also a shame that you can remember all the bad things your father did, but have a problem remembering Mother’s Day and May 3rd every year until Christina reminds you!
Shame on you for feeling so sorry about yourself and totally disregarding your mother’s feelings. God only knows what you will be saying about her when she’s gone. You should also be ashamed for the only acknowledgment of the “real” person who carried you 9 mos and gave birth to you as “the aforementioned son’s mother”! Her name is Peg Guglielmetti! Maybe you should spend more time being kind, caring and loving to your mother then feeling sorry for the father who abandoned you. Oh, and you might try giving a shit about her declining health. She lives in cronic, horrible pain everyday of her life! She can barely walk, for God’s sake! Oh, and maybe the REAL reason you never wanted children is because you are just too selfish of person. hmmm… something to think about. well, after knowing your mother for over 10 yrs, I could go on and on about how many things you’ve done and neglected to do that have caused her great pain….like refering to her as the “aforementioned son’s mother”, but I won’t. But it might be easier to just blame your father. Nevermind the fact you had a loving mother to try to fill his shoes. Try growing up and spending a little more time caring for your mother then spending it pissing and moaning on your blog. She is still here, damn it!
YOUR mother might be upset with me for writing this, but I don’t care. I love her and she deserves more then what the two children she raised give her. Since neither of you have children, maybe you just can’t understand what true unconditional love is.
While my own children had an even more horrible father, they have a mother who loves them unconditionally. They didn’t turn out too good, but blame neither their father or their mother.They are not successful in life yet, but they sure know how to love their mother. Would I trade their love for success, not a chance!
Just remember, you and Christina turned out pretty good. Upstanding citizens who are educated, professionals….who gets credit for that???
Well, there ya go.
Marianne, you got so much so wrong here, it’s amazing. I’m not going to dignify this with much of a response, at least not for now.
But one thing I want to respond to, and I’ll go ahead and throw it away like an afterthought, like you did, even though it’s clear you stewed about it and thought it was a real zinger: it’s not selfish to not want kids, when you know your genetic makeup doesn’t support the effort; it’s selfless. Selfless, and I guess you “just can’t understand”, because you have no idea what it means to be 42 and childless, voluntarily or otherwise. Think about that for a while, if you are able.
A couple other things, since we’re airing laundry:
- No one needs to remind me of when my mother’s birthday is, or when mother’s day is, and I celebrate both days, annually
- My mother’s efforts are fondly recalled and locked in my psyche and appreciated, and this is not for debate
- My mother’s suffering is on my mind, every goddamned day
- I love my mother
- The point of the post was to talk about another person’s failings, it’s not an award show
- You can’t possibly hope to understand all my sister & I went through as kids and adults
- Shut the hell up
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