Elk Insanity

You'd think that after seven years of living in Boulder, CO this shit wouldn't faze me anymore, but, alas.

Since there's no way this made the national news, let me tell ya what happened here in our little hamlet of Boulder on New Year's Day. An on-duty Boulder cop shot and killed an elk that was within the city limits. Said elk had been visiting the neighborhood -- which is at the west end of town, right up against the mountains and open space -- for the past few weeks, and apparently the townsfolk had grown fond of the majestic creature. Said cop claims that the elk appeared to be injured, and he euthanized it out of mercy for the suffering creature -- with a shotgun blast. The mercy killing by way of buckshot at close range is shady enough, but then this cop called his off-duty cop buddy to swing by with a pickup truck, load up the kill and cart it off, to be converted into yummy elk steaks. Now, that's pretty tacky, but what's really annoying is that the cop never reported this incident (even though discharge of a service weapon in city limits is a required reportable event). OK, so that happened.

Now, fast forward to last weekend, where Boulder's most sympathetic turned out in force for -- get this -- a candlelight vigil for the dear departed elk. I'll wait. OK, you done laughing? OK, let's continue our descent into idiocracy.

Today, I come to find out that yet another mourning/protest is planned for this Sunday, in downtown Boulder. Sunday's creature feature is billed as a "silent walk" for the elk, which apparently was named "Big Boy" by the elk's fans. According to the "Justice for the Mapleton Elk" Facebook page, the walk will take place at noon Sunday between 11th and 15th streets on the walking portion of the Pearl Street Mall.

Did I just say "'Justice for the Mapleton Elk' Facebook page"? Why yes, yes I did. Holy fucking shit, we've entered Crazytown, folks.

The announcement on the -- ahem -- Facebook page said participants will be silent during the walk except for the playing of a recording of an elk bugle from their phones. I swear, I am not making this up; I wish I were, believe me.

Now, I learned what I was dealing with here in Boulder fairly quickly, but over the years I have certainly mellowed in my responses to what I perceive to be a complete and total reality disconnect. Hell, the elk vigil even rolled off my back with merely a chuckle and a shaking of the head ("ahh, Boulder!"). But now this? A Million Pansy-ass March, with elk rutting delivered by proxy, via telecommunication devices?! This is equal parts maddening and hilarious. I'm thinking I may turn out for the do on Sunday, just to see what crazy people are wearing these days. Look people, I hate police overreach as much as the next person, and I think the morons who perpetrated this act should be shitcanned, but this is getting a little out of hand.

Next thing you know, they'll be recording tribute songs to Big Boy -- oh, wait, ahhhh, shit.

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