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Farts, that changed the world. Did Hitler have an embarrassing flatulence transgression as a kid that gave him such issues, leading to World War II? Did George W. Bush fart his way to such stupefying stupidity? Did a fart cause the Challenger explosion, and we just don’t know it? I mean, I thought it was an o-ring.

Loads of websites make grandiose claims, and sell lots of crap; some successfully, some not. Girls Gone Wild, I get. This, I don’t. Maybe it’s just me.

The Night the TiVo Died
(sung to the tune of Paper Lace’s “The Night Chicago Died”)

In the chill of a winter’s night
In the land of the yoga hippies
When Rob & Brenda’s TiVo died
And they talk about it still

When Rob arrived home from work
Brenda displayed a nervous quirk
She said “I have some bad news”
And then she gestured towards the tube

We heard Robbie cry
We heard him pray the night the TiVo died
Brother what a night it really was
Brother what a plight it really was
Live TV

We heard Robbie cry
We heard him pray the night the TiVo died
Brother what a night the people saw
Live TV and no pause
Yes indeed

And the box it would not light
What’s happened to the shows
And Rob considered his plight
And said “this really, really blows”

We heard Robbie cry
We heard him pray the night the TiVo died
Gonna miss stuff when I pee
Maybe it’s time we got HDTV
Glory Be…

Seriously; after almost four years, the damned thing just took a shit on us, and I’m now looking for the next thing to replace it.

This gem needs to go on a friggin’ t-shirt. I feel very strongly about this.

Now I read the fine print, and I understand that there is acually no bacon whatsoever in this product—which makes it a vegetarian bacon product! Are you feelin’ me yet?

The website features various pictures of high-fat, high-salt foods, with the promise of even greater gastronomical goodness, made possible by bacon (flavored) salt. And I’m telling you this, right now: I’m in. I’m all in.

You see, I have some really solid names for bands, and it pisses me off that I lack the musical talent, connections and material to plug into a band name. And tonight, I hit on the greatest album name ever, so now I’m really feeling down.

Lemme start with the band name: There are a few towns in New Jersey all ending with “Amboy”, such as South Amboy, and Perth Amboy. When you drive through central New Jersey, you can easily come across a highway exit sign or two with destination references to, simply, “The Amboys”.

The Amboys. Perhaps the Greatest Band Name Ever. Done.

This easily eclipses my alternate band name of “Best Before”, which I feel is a witty play on the bread expiry dates found on those little plastic things you clip on bread loaves to stave off staleness. I always held these two band names on equal footing until today. For today, I was listening to NPR and heard a phrase that could only be the title for The Amboys’ much-awaited second album: “Happy Zacarias”. (The Amboys’ first album would of course be eponoymously titled.)

The Amboys, Happy Zacarias. I’m totally seeing this as a hot download on the iTunes Music Store, aren’t you?

So how’d the title come about? Well, the radio was talking about Zacarias Moussaoui’s trial and how his defense lawyers (just when you thought Johnnie C was a piece of shit) were arguing that his childhood was a happy one, and the term “happy Zacarias” was floated out there. I thought it was pure brilliance, and was immediately delighted to have secured the second album title for my non-existent band’s follow-up to my non-existent band’s non-existent and eponoymously-titled first album. So, if I ever progress beyond barre chords and actually write a few tunes, you can bet that they will be unleashed on an unassuming public by The Amboys, with our best work appearing on “Happy Zacarias”.

Our later releases will likely suck, but I will still get interviews in Rolling Stone because of my personality, bitches.