A New Low


They've done it again; just when you thought you were fully Boulder Whole Foods Battle Hardened, these people manage to redefine solipsism. Lemme tell ya what happened. The other day I'm in the BWF, and I roll up to a cashier with my basket. The cashier was just finishing up with the customer ahead of me, counting change, asking if she wanted her receipt, etc. Meanwhile, I started unloading the items from my basket onto the conveyor belt. As the cashier was done with the previous customer, she turned to me and started scanning my items, and she goes: "Thanks for unloading your basket." Say fucking what?! After doing a Lewis Black-style head shake, I begged for clarification. "Do you…

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Elk Insanity


You'd think that after seven years of living in Boulder, CO this shit wouldn't faze me anymore, but, alas. Since there's no way this made the national news, let me tell ya what happened here in our little hamlet of Boulder on New Year's Day. An on-duty Boulder cop shot and killed an elk that was within the city limits. Said elk had been visiting the neighborhood -- which is at the west end of town, right up against the mountains and open space -- for the past few weeks, and apparently the townsfolk had grown fond of the majestic creature. Said cop claims that the elk appeared to be injured, and he euthanized it out of mercy for the…

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Art & Copy


So, I finally saw this movie I've been meaning to see for a while, "Art & Copy". It's a sad, disgusting (read: excellent) documentary about the collection of whores and egomaniacs working in the advertising business, and, by extension, about everything that is wrong with our society. "By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising...kill yourselves..." --Bill Hicks It was difficult to watch - painful, even; for a variety of reasons. Because my father's best friend (Jim Durfee) is in the film; because my father, my mother-in-law, and college friend all work(ed) in that horrible business. Because I knew from an early age that my father's profession had absolutely no nobility -- getting paid large…

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Change


I finished my last job on Friday, and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to start the new one the following Monday. Guess that means I start my new job tomorrow, and to say I'm excited would be an understatement. Today was a study in change, an awakening of a dormant mind. I realized I had been on autopilot for months, if not years, and was unhappy about it. Sure, I chose to do something about it a couple months ago, but today I realized just how unhappy I was, how frustrated I was with my old bosses, how disillusioned I had become with my current work. Part of that stems from the way my…

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Riled about Resumes


I read a recent post on Lifehacker this morning about resume writing (no, I'm not looking for a job, I just read Lifehacker religiously), and readers were encouraged to post their own tips and peeves in the comments. I thought I'd share my thoughts here. (Can you smell the rant coming from there?) First of all, when did listing your undergraduate GPA on the resume become fashionable? I have discovered, much to my chagrin, that there is a huge emphasis on grade point average in the veterinary school application process, but these people are reviewing applicants for the job of student, essentially. Further, it costs the grad school money to wash people out, so I can see how past performance…

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There's a Reason for the Silence:


I am unable to speak--have been for days--because I saw Bob Costas' Olympic hair. You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.…

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Cross-burning Aside, Johnny's Good People


My old college roommate sent me this gem, an a.p. story out of Columbus, Ohio. Read to the end for the kicker; I even put it in bold type, not that it needs any emphasis. Ohio board reviews report of teacher burning kids By DOUG WHITEMAN, Associated Press Writer COLUMBUS, Ohio - Members of the Mount Vernon school board met Friday to discuss a finding that a middle school teacher preached his Christian beliefs despite staff complaints, even using a device to burn the image of a cross on students' arms. Mount Vernon Middle School teacher John Freshwater also taught creationism in his science class and was insubordinate in failing to remove a Bible and other religious materials from…

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Assbutt


One time, in high school (not band camp), my friend Brian Scargill called someone an "assbutt" in gym class. I'll never forget it. I thought it was brilliant, to call a guy an amalgam of slang phrases for the posterior. While I never forgot the moment, or the expression, I've never, ever used it. But now I am forced to do so, for fear of calling this idiotic moron something far worse. Say hello to Assbutt "Breakdancing,White,In2006" Assholeface: This horrific image captures the New York City Twentysomething Financial Sector Asshole Jerkoff in its natural setting around this time of year, the office holiday party. My dear friend sent me this picture as evidence that she needs to get…

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Trolls Near My House


Yeah, that's right, there are trolls guarding the pedestrian bridge over Foothills Parkway just a few hundred yards from my house. This story should give you a good insight to some of the characters that inhabit this fine town of Boulder. I consider these people to be my outdoor pets.…

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The Problem with Whole Foods


It's not that it's always crowded, it's not the hypocrisy of their touting sustainability while selling Chilean Tomatoes in the Garden State, it's not the fact that they charge five clams for a tomato and cheese sandwich. The real problem with Whole Foods, at least here at the Boulder branch, is that the entire joint is crawling with two kinds of people, both of whom are irritating to the point that they give me a headache. On the one hand, you have these self-absorbed health nuts wandering the aisles in their Patagonia walking pants and their Crocs and their hydration packs, zipping to and fro, stopping short at every goddamned free sample hawker (of which there are too many crowding…

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Whammy


Peter Tomarken, the host of the 80's TV game show "Press Your Luck", got himself and his wife killed in a plane crash the other day. The ultimate whammy. From the eyewitness reports and the wreckage, it appears that he had a problem with the plane shortly after takeoff, apparently lost the engine, and was trying to glide back to the airport, and it just wasn't in the cards. The sad thing is, they were out over water as they were turning around, and at some point it was probably better to ditch in the water rather than trying to "stretch the glide" to land. Instead of a controlled crash into shallow water, it looks like the pilot stalled the…

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