On Skeleton


Hold it, just hold on a fucking second. The last several Olympics, summer and winter, have carried a certain sporting elitist criticism on various new sports added to the games. Sports like snowboarding and BMX have been derided by various idiots as not being true sports, presumably because the sports' elite athletes utter words like "stoked" -- or the more vehement "totally stoked" -- to explain the inner workings of the sport. Frontside. Backside. Fakie. McTwist. Apparently these are unacceptable bastardizations of the English language, but somehow Slachow is perfectly acceptable conversation if you are listening to Scott Hamilton. Well, this shit all annoyed me but I pawned it off as old school stupidity and narrow mindedness -- until tonight,…

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Pimp Windstar


Someone please tell me what the fuck this is. I mean, I know it's a Ford Windstar with "Ford Windstar" in cursive script, the comedy and tragedy masks, and a pair of mudflap girls adorning the rear window. This, this is known. But, WHAT THE FUCK.…

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Photo


This is a door in my office; my office full of engineers. Is anyone still wondering why bridges fall down every once in a while? Oh, and if you're wondering, yes the door is locked. Jesus.…

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Dog Math


This: Plus this: Equals this: Yeah, that's right, I sprained my ankle dismounting from my longboard at high speed yesterday afternoon. Hoop & I have been getting used to having him pull me around on the board, something I thought he'd enjoy and possibly a fun way to help him burn off some energy. We've been practicing on a stretch of bike path that's nestled between a highway retaining wall and some backyard fences, so it's impossible for Hooper to run off into the street if I have to let go. Another thing we have been practicing is waiting at crosswalks before entering the street. As we approach a curb cut on one of our walks, a simple, firm "wait"…

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Most Overhyped Website Claim Ever


Sponsored link, seen in my Gmail inbox: AmazingFartVideos.com - 10 Fart Videos That Changed The World. Watch Free Instantly! Farts, that changed the world. Did Hitler have an embarrassing flatulence transgression as a kid that gave him such issues, leading to World War II? Did George W. Bush fart his way to such stupefying stupidity? Did a fart cause the Challenger explosion, and we just don't know it? I mean, I thought it was an o-ring. Loads of websites make grandiose claims, and sell lots of crap; some successfully, some not. Girls Gone Wild, I get. This, I don't. Maybe it's just me.…

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The Night The TiVo Died


I'm so distraught, I put it into song: The Night the TiVo Died (sung to the tune of Paper Lace's "The Night Chicago Died") In the chill of a winter's night In the land of the yoga hippies When Rob & Brenda's TiVo died And they talk about it still When Rob arrived home from work Brenda displayed a nervous quirk She said "I have some bad news" And then she gestured towards the tube We heard Robbie cry We heard him pray the night the TiVo died Brother what a night it really was Brother what a plight it really was Live TV We heard Robbie cry We heard him pray the night the TiVo died Brother what a…

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Quote


But I love NJ. Without it, we'd have absolutely no material. -- Leslie Padilla (friend and fellow NJ expat) This gem needs to go on a friggin' t-shirt. I feel very strongly about this.…

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Bacon Salt!


My friend sent me this link today. Bacon salt. Absolutely fucking genius. It's bacony salt! Salt that tastes like bacon! You got me pal? BACON SALT! IN ASSORTED VERSIONS! Now I read the fine print, and I understand that there is acually no bacon whatsoever in this product--which makes it a vegetarian bacon product! Are you feelin' me yet? The website features various pictures of high-fat, high-salt foods, with the promise of even greater gastronomical goodness, made possible by bacon (flavored) salt. And I'm telling you this, right now: I'm in. I'm all in.…

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The Short Sweet Dream of Teddy the Bear


All he wanted to do was to bring happiness and teething relief to a little puppy someplace. Endorsed by the American Kennel Club, this little bear toy came into our home courtesy of my sister Christina. While I thanked her for the gift, I predicted a short stay in the house. The following pictures were taken over the course of ten minutes; swear to god. And Hooper was kinda mellow tonight. If you ever get a squeaky thingy stuck in your anus, Hooper is the guy to get it out in record time: And there you have it, the deconstruction of Teddy. What a great night.…

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Well, duh...


From "Advanced Global Illumination", first edition: The field of optics stayed mostly dormant during the dark ages... Like, duh. In all seriousness, this looks like a great textbook on some of the theory behind the software I use every day to do my lighting simulations (I managed to score a used copy through Amazon.com for less than half the list price recently, and it arrived today). All the squiggly lines and Greek characters are a little intimidating, but I generally can get the gist of what the authors are trying to say about light transport through them, even if I did fail Algebra II.…

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Paper Can't Win


My co-worker sent this to me today, along with a note that I should be proud she thought of me when she read this. And I am. I guess you can take the kid outta New Jersey, but you can't take the Jersey outta the kid.…

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The Honorable Sam "Ace" Rothstein


Much as I'm enjoying watching Alberto Gonzales go down in flames, the rabid scenes in the Senate last week were quite tiresome. Seriously; Nancy Pelosi with foam dribbling from her jowls is incredibly unappetizing. All these donation-collecting suit monkeys crawling around Washington are the same: they only show some stones once it becomes clear that the only idiot in town bigger than Gonzales is Bush. I'm sick of hearing them all talk, from both sides of the aisle. And I have a proposal to fix this: If I can find a quote from a mob movie that fits the situation, the quote shall serve as hearing, trial, verdict, end of story. No op-ed pieces, no press conferences, and for damn…

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Cheat Neutral


Most likely by now you have heard about the idea of "carbon neutrality", which is a happy state wherein you can say that your day-to-day existence is not resulting in any adverse affects on the environment, because your carbon emissions have been "offset" through good old fashioned moolah. You emit, so you buy these offsets, and some company supposedly plants a tree and viola, it's as if your Hummer runs on water. Sound like crap? It is. And some very funny peopple have put up a very funny satire of the whole sham. Cheat Neutral is looking to help you feel less guilty about cheating on your partner by selling "cheat offsets": Cheatneutral is about offsetting infidelity. We're the only…

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Yankee Pride


Came across this gem on YouTube, some video of a guy walking around in Section 39 at Yankee Stadium with a Red Sox jersey on, and the loving Yankee fans telling him exactly what he is for doing so. Gotta love those Yankee fans... Sox Fan in the Wrong House…

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Green Signature Drafts


Working for a sustainable design consultant, as I do, I am continually exposed to exciting and interesting individuals with progressive views and ideas. The climate change crisis is real, and I'm excited to be helping in some small way to affect architectural design in a positive and sustainable way. But the sustainable message is bubbling over into my colleagues' email signatures, as evidenced by a recent email, which carried the following message after the author's signoff: "please consider the environment before printing this message." What a great idea, to follow every email message with a smug, self-satisfied, holier-than-thou little dig at your own client, I thought! That's not condescending at all! So this evening I sat down to draft my…

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Outlook Sucks, Part IV


Good morning Rob, Outlook here. Guess what? I still suck.…

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How the vi editor would look if made by Microsoft


This has been around for a little while, but I just stumbled across it. Very funny, if you use the crusty old vi editor in unix (as I do) and hate Microsoft (as I do). How the vi editor would look if made by Microsoft…

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Bacon Soap


A co-worker forwarded me this: How to Make Bacon Soap My sister jokes that if they made bacon candy, I'd be the top consumer of the stuff, and that's probably true. Apparently, my affinity for bacon has made its way around the office and so when my co-worker came across this little gem of baco-utility, she felt compelled to pass the tip along. The email subject line was "Since you like meat". 'Nuff said. In reality, while I'm pretty sure I could easily come up with enough bacon grease to make a batch or two, the idea of lathering up with the transformed grease is not exactly appetizing. Regardless, I thought it was an interesting article.…

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Outlook Sucks, Part III


Outlook Sucks. The reason for its suckiness is unknown. (Right click and select "View Image" in the image below to read the full error message.) It's sad when it takes such a large dialog box to say "our software is garbage and we don't even know what's wrong with it."…

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Outlook Sucks, Part II


A little while ago I lamented the fact that my office had switched to Outlook, and I announced to the global community at large who reads my website (approximately four people) that Outlook Sucks. It still does. Along the way, I have groused about it to my colleagues here in the office, and now that one of my co-workers has fled Boulder to work at our San Fransisco office, we continue to rail against the sloppy, bloated, non-functional pile of email code excrement via instant messenger. But it's not enough folks, it's not enough. Now, every time something pisses me off about Outlook, it's going on here. And, begin: Today I received a duplicate copy of an email forward from…

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SOTU


Here it is, folks. The State of the Union Address. Sadly, this is a rather accurate depiction of what we've got going on in Washington. Watch: "The REAL State of the Union Address"…

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On Sexual Depravity (and Shrinkage)


A couple of weeks ago I posted an innocent little blurb about riding my bike in the snow to deliver some christmas presents to the post office. I included a picture of my beloved singlespeed "townie" bike that was used for the purpose. The thing is, the bike's frame is whimsically called the "Il Pompino". It's made by a company in the U.K. called On-One, and it's a great, bombproof bike frame, perfect for the task. Perhaps because the company is in the U.K. they don't realize this, but the phrase "Il Pompino" means "blow job" in Italian. Eh, probably they do know. I knew of this alternate meaning when I bought it, and I sometimes refer to…

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Fuzzy Bob Steps Down


It ain't exactly "U.S. Marshals". Today, Boulder's local paper ran a fairly well-reseached, honest piece of journalism, yet it reads like something out of The Onion. Ward, Colorado, you see, is in need of some new police. The town's only state-certified lawman, Robert "Fuzzy Bob" Spratford, is retiring -- leaving only two guys named Skinny Pete and Tiny to protect and serve. Ward, Colorado is this quirky little semi-ghost town, a relic from the mining boom. Once the richest town in Colorado during the Gold Rush, it's now populated with folks who thought even Boulder was too conservative and thus headed for the hills. Filled with anti-establishment types and a rather large collection of broken-down vehicles, Ward incorporated as…

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Assbutt


One time, in high school (not band camp), my friend Brian Scargill called someone an "assbutt" in gym class. I'll never forget it. I thought it was brilliant, to call a guy an amalgam of slang phrases for the posterior. While I never forgot the moment, or the expression, I've never, ever used it. But now I am forced to do so, for fear of calling this idiotic moron something far worse. Say hello to Assbutt "Breakdancing,White,In2006" Assholeface: This horrific image captures the New York City Twentysomething Financial Sector Asshole Jerkoff in its natural setting around this time of year, the office holiday party. My dear friend sent me this picture as evidence that she needs to get…

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Been a while


Hey. Sorry. Been a while. I am in the process of moving to a new host, probably to be completed this weekend. Look for updates soon. Cold as something very, very cold around these parts these days. Meanwhile, ponder this, brought to you by the good crazies of Boulder: No spandex bike race…

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Trolls Near My House


Yeah, that's right, there are trolls guarding the pedestrian bridge over Foothills Parkway just a few hundred yards from my house. This story should give you a good insight to some of the characters that inhabit this fine town of Boulder. I consider these people to be my outdoor pets.…

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Happy Zacarias


Today, a co-worker shared some of his recordings from when he was in a band. They had toured for a couple years, playing mostly in the Atlanta area, and were reasonably competent. A discussion arose regarding band names; I may have possibly brought it up. You see, I have some really solid names for bands, and it pisses me off that I lack the musical talent, connections and material to plug into a band name. And tonight, I hit on the greatest album name ever, so now I'm really feeling down. Lemme start with the band name: There are a few towns in New Jersey all ending with "Amboy", such as South Amboy, and Perth Amboy. When you drive through…

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The Battle is Joined


This is war, a fight to the end. Hundreds of battles have already been waged, and many more will ensue. I only hope that Emma can climb to a more respectable record on kittenwar.com. First, Emma got a Catster page. Now she has entered the killing fields of cute, facing a phalanx of fetching felines, hopefully to emerge victorious more often than not. Kittenwar. Get ready to rumble, y'all.…

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A New Definition of Pocket Square


So, I'm in the deli the other day, and a guy comes in and orders a bagel, toasted, with cream cheese, for lunch. The thing is, as the guy behind the counter is turning to grab a bagel and make his order, the guy ordering pulls two slices of American cheese from his pocket and goes: "and hey, melt these on it too, huh?" Never seen that before. The best part is, the cook took the cheese without even blinking. This means that either this guy is a "regular", or the cook lives in fear of deportation and doesn't like to ask questions.…

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Honeymoon Tackiness, Everything Must Go!


<p>And the next item up for bid, a lovely heart-shaped bathtub. Red. Who&#8217;ll give me $100? One hundred? One ten, one ten, lemmehearonetwenty, one ten, lemmehear one twent&#8212;onetwenty&#8230;</p> <p>&#8230;and so it will go, over and over, until all the heart-shaped tubs are gone. </p> <p>The Beautiful Mount Airy Lodge was once a prime honeymoon spot for NYC-area newlyweds, nestled in Pennsylvania&#8217;s Pocono Mountains, but they closed their doors in 2001. They offered an array of tacky rooms (over 900 in fact), in which it seemed everything was heart-shaped and red: heart-shaped beds (that…

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Bad ideas for light fixture manufacturers


Attention If you are a European light fixture manufacturer looking to make some headway in the US, do not do any of these things: Name your company after an FBI debacle Name one of your products “butt” Design the aforementioned product to look horrifyingly similar to the World Trade Center on 9/11/2001. Thank you.…

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Yo! Two slices, to go!


Browsing my jumble of RSS newsfeeds this morning on the train, I came across an announcement for a new iPod-based directory of New York City pizzerias. I don’t own an iPod, but I checked out the link anyway. I’m glad I did, because it led me to an affiliated site, Slice. Proudly shouting “F&#! CHICAGO STYLE!” in the masthead, this site is all about that thin-crust goodness known as New York style pizza. They have some reviews of pizzerias, recipes, “news”, etc. But mostly it’s a tribute to good old fashioned New York attitude. I sure do miss Grimaldi’s (Patsy’s) in Hoboken right about now.…

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Run hit wonder


How’s this for a pre-race regimen: “Meet at Morningside Park to check your bags and enjoy a live performance by Kajagoogoo.” Well, that’s just the opening act in a new 5 & 10K footrace “tour”, sponsored by VH1 and Nike. The Run Hit Wonder Tour looks like a fun way to spend an afternoon. Sort of a “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” for the first MTV generation. Hell, I might just do it. (get it?)…

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Dio for America


This is funny, all by itself. But then when you throw in the fact that I was a huge Dio fan in High School, dutifuly spinning the “Holy Diver” album backwards at the end of the title track so I could hear what I thought was RJD exclaim “I am the crucified”, well, what can I say. I just spent the last ten minutes laughing my ass off. If you are/were a fan of: Dio, Black Sabbath, the movie “This is Spinal Tap”, and the American political process, you will have a hell of a laugh reading this site. Enjoy.…

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Breakin’ for God


Folks, I honestly don’t know what to say about this one. This is, without a doubt, the funniest damned picture & article I’ve seen in at least thirteen days. Enjoy. I’d like to see an image caption contest for this. I’ll start: “A young blessed break dancer offers Pope John Paul II a new ‘spin’ on genuflection”. Others are encouraged to take a stab at it in the comments section.…

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Shut up and hate


A recent comment posted to my blog was so funny I had to share it with “y’all”: Yall have to get over the BRAVES r the best team in all of baseball i hate the yankees their the 1s who go in their yapping about (man were so good we can beet them)yea right the only time thay were a real team was when the had ruth and girgh and in the late 50s and early 60s when they had mantle,maris,ford,their catcher,and martin now that was a team but now they aint got nuttin im not a die heard redsox fan but my gosh the redsoxs have a way betta team…

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coming and going


Boy; sometimes you gotta shake your head and wonder, “what the hell were they thinking?” These two yahoos took off, in search of the ultimate high. Instead, they cratered themselves into the ultimate low, and got a Darwin Award to boot.…

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Net Worth


<p>I am worth <a href="http://www.humanforsale.com/showval.asp?x=1857483&#38;y=rpg%40rumblestrip%2Eorg">$2,142,470.00</a>; I am happy, because that&#8217;s a hell of a lot better than <a href="http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0000501/">Henry Hill</a> scored in the back of the restaurant while <a href="http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0000649/">Paulie Cicero</a> was frying some sausages in <a href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0099685/">&#8220;Goodfellas&#8221;</a>. </p> <p>What can I say? A silly diversion…

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genboobs


If you are not a Radiance/UNIX geek, you will not get this. There are like 200 people worldwide that will find this amusing. I love niche humor; it's gonna be my new thing. On the Radiance list, my friend Roland joked with Radiance’s author: “Dammit Greg, we want a Pam Anderson primitive in RADIANCE! :^)” In response to this, and in the spirit of useful Radiance scene generators like genbox, gensurf and genrev, I offer genboobs. Here is the manpage: NAME genboobs – Pamela Anderson generator SYNOPSIS genoobs [options] mat name asiz bsiz csiz DESCRIPTION Genboobs produces a RADIANCE scene description of a Pamela Anderson. Options may be given on the command line and/or read…

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as well as genitals…


My pal Mike sent me this very disturbing story: LONDON (Reuters) – Scientists have discovered fossils of the world’s oldest genitals—belonging to 400 million-year-old insects—in ancient rocks in Scotland. The penis of the ancient harvestmen insects, commonly known as a daddy-long-legs, was two-thirds the length of the body and remarkably similar to the modern-day species, New Scientist magazine said Wednesday. “The discovery of the world’s oldest genitals proves that little has changed over the last 400 million years—at least for daddy-long-legs,” the magazine said. Jason Dunlop and a team of researchers from Humbolt University in Berlin, Germany, who will present their findings at a conference in Aberdeen, also…

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