Folks, this is a public service announcement. If you’re in the deli looking for a little bag of somethin’ to round out your lunch, and you happen upon these, do yourself a favor and look for a bag of animal feces instead. The feces will taste better than those soy crisps, and is likely to be a good bit cheaper.

For those of you who don’t know, I have extremely high cholesterol. This is, no doubt, the result of years of bacon ingestion. I recently started an initiative to cut the cholesterol down, and despite a couple of major transgressions this weekend I have been eating rather sensibly. Feeling guilty about my weekend Hot Pockets indulgence(s), I was extra dilligent today in the deli. I went with sushi, but wanted to go for a little extra something, to fill me up. I saw these “Glenny’s low fat soy chips”. Cheddar flavor, to boot. A scan of the back panel showed that there was absolutely no harm in eating these things. Excited about the prospect of something that would taste like cheese but had no cholesterol, I plunked down my choices at the register. Would you believe a 1.3 oz bag goes for $1.99??!! The cashier had already rung me up; I didn’t care, I just wanted out, so I accepted it and left, hoping that my purchase would be worth it.

It wasn’t. Not by a longshot.

Folks, these things are, without a doubt, the foulest, most disgusting snack food ever foisted upon us. First off they look like flattenned brains. But even looking past appearances, these things do not qualify as food. Cheddar flavor? Nope. Not even close. Try “unwashed underwear” flavor. I ate several, thinking it was an aquired taste, but I’m sorry to report that they all tasted like unwashed underwear. The unpleasantness of this snack existed on several levels. The so-called flavor tends to congeal and thicken up in your mouth, so not only does this stuff taste bad, it FEELS bad.

Now I see why they don’t print a price on the bag (the stuff’s ridiculously overpriced, even by New York City standards), and why they have a chesty caricature for a mascot. Sex may sell magazines, but it ain’t gonna get me to plunk down two bucks for a bag of that crap, ever again.

Adding insult to injury, while perusing the Glenny’s website, I noticed that they have an “as seen on ‘The View’” blurb in their bullet list of reasons as to why you just gotta get you some Glenny’s goodness. The vision of Star Jones shovelling fistfulls of these crap wafers into her face came screaming into my head, and at that point, eating was no longer an option. Lunch over, rant on.

Thanks a lot, Glenny’s. Thanks for nothing.