What follows is a copy of an email my wife sent out a little while ago; it’s a reply to my reply to an idiotic email “survey” my sister sent me. It’s a classic “he said – she said” type of situation. Much as I hate to admit it, Brenda’s version of my replies is closer to the truth—and more pleasant to read.
P.S. This was a while ago; some facts have changed, like our address. And I don’t own a Dell anymore, and never will again (my dislike for that company that started with some real lemons coupled with awful tech support of same, and solidified with my recent ability to build cheaper computers myself, was crystalized with the advent of the Dude-You’re-Gettin’-a-Dell-Guy).
Anyhoo, without further ado, here we go:
OK, so my wife has once again proven why she is the coolest person in the world, and she did it in writing, so I need to forward it to you all. Some of you received an email from me recently, a survey. Well, Brenda has “revised” my answers, and it makes for some entertaining reading. She sent it to my sister, but I thought some of you would get a kick out of her “corrected answers”, so here you go...
After pressing Rob about his pervasive negative attitude and the uncalled-for profanities displayed in his answers, and knowing him as well as I do, I have corrected his answers as follows:
Brenda, Emma The Cat & I live on the top floor of an apartment building in Hoboken, NJ where Baseball & Frank Sinatra were born and where today you cannot find a fucking parking space in less than 30 fucking minutes unless a fucking honest-to-god miracle happens.
I am blessed and honored to be living with the best wife, Brenda, and the most adorable cat, Emma, in this known world in Hoboken, NJ where baseball & Frank Sinatra were born, though our main past-time is a game called “Find-the-parking-space” which challenges us both emotionally and physically (manual transmission) and makes us better drivers.
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Book? Singular? Monotasking went out with MS-DOS. Right now I’m reading “Informed Decisions”, “The Elegant Universe”, “Building Internet Firewalls”, “Infinite Jest” (yeah, trying for the 3rd time to slog through that verbose tome), “Flying Floatplanes”, and about eight different magazines about either computers, general interest, or aviation.
I have two huge stacks of books & magazines next to my bed. My nightly ritual is to mess up the neat piles my wife has made, pick one, look at it for about 20 minutes and promptly fall asleep.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
A stupid Dell logo and holographic pattern that gives my optical mouse fits. You’d think a computer company would know better.
I have an optical mouse my lovely wife gave me for Christmas and they don’t need mousepads. (You’d think a computer geek would
<p>> >4. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME?<br />
I hate board games. All of them. If you put a gun to my head, I’d
engage in chess. But if you put Risk in front of me, I’d say “pull
the fucking trigger”.
<p>I am too immature to deal with the fact that I may lose, so I refuse <br />
to play them.
<p>[editor’s note: This is, without a doubt, the most accurate assessment of me, ever.]</p> <p>> >5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE?<br />
AOPA Pilot, close second to Sport Aviation. Really, any magazine
with glossy photos of airplanes is my favorite if that’s what’s in front
of me at the moment.
<p>(This one is true. Thank god. I’d rather have airplane magazines <br />
next to the toilet, than Hustler.)
<p>> >6a. FAVORITE SMELL?<br />
Fresh cut grass, especially around an airport, where it mingles with
<p>My farts.</p> <p>> >6b. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL?<br />
Emma’s litter box, after she lets loose one of her monster hold-it-in-
all-day dumps, that she seems to wait for us to come home to
<p>My farts.</p> <p>> >7. FAVORITE SOUND?<br />
Airplanes. They make lots of sounds, but my favorite is the sound
a radial engine makes. You have to be there. It’s loud, throaty, and
boisterous. When a plane with a radial engines flies down the
Hudson, I know it even if I’m sitting in my living room; it’s so
distinctive I usually run to the bedroom window to have a look.
<p>Airplanes and the sound of my wife laughing.</p> <p>> >8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?<br />
The one I get after watching my cat tremble on the vet’s
<p>and when I don’t clean the bathroom when I’m supposed to.</p> <p>> >9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU<br />
WAKEUP IN THE MORNING?
Do I have to go to work today, and how long can I keep hitting
<p>I am so lucky to be married to Brenda!!!</p> <p>> >10. FAVORITE COLOR?<br />
<p>because it’s what Brenda said on her survey.</p> <p>> >11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?<br />
Usually 2-3, because otherwise the piece of shit answering
machine picks up and I can never remember how to stop the
greeting after it does.
<p>Usually 2-3, because I have to say “Babe, are you gonna get that?” <br />
first, and if she is indisposed I have to leap for the phone because
otherwise the machine picks up and I can’t remember to press the
“Stop” button to make the greeting stop.
<p>> >12. FUTURE Child’s NAME?<br />
Let’s not go there. Even if we do have kids, I don’t want the
responsibility of tagging the poor thing with a moniker it has to
carry around for the rest of its life. Too much pressure. Fuck that.
I’ll name it Bob, Fred, Tom. Something basic. But don’t quote me.
<p>Let’s not go there. Even the pressure of pretending to pick a name <br />
in survey is too much for me, so obviously I am not ready to parent.
(Bob, Fred, Tom?? – for a girl?)
<p>> >13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?<br />
Laughter. That’s easy.
<p>(okay, this is a keeper.)</p> <p>> >14. FAVORITE FOODS<br />
Burritos, Bacon/Egg/Cheese sandwiches, cajun blackened stuff,
chili, boneless chicken, bad candy (neccos, skittles, starburst, fruit
stripe gum, runts, canada mints).
<p>Basically, I will only eat anything that will make my high cholestrol <br />
level higher – burritos w/bacon, bacon/egg/cheese sandwiches,
cajun fried bacon, fatty beef & bacon chili, boneless chicken w/
bacon, bad bacon candy.
<p>> >15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?<br />
<p>Vanilla because I like boring stuff.</p> <p>> >16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?<br />
Yes, but I like to drive slow too. Whatever pisses off the other guy.
<p>Yes, but only in spurts to drive my wife crazy. </p> <p>> >17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?<br />
No. Stupid question.
<p>No, thank you for asking.</p> <p>> >18. STORMS – COOL OR SCARY?<br />
Cool. Ma Nature is very cool, and impressive. And why in the hell
do people LIVE in Oklahoma anyway??!!! Too many tornadoes
<p>Cool. Mother Nature is very cool and impressive. I can understand <br />
why people live in Oklahoma- to live without fear of crime,
voyeurism, road rage, traffic jughandles, and smog and yet benefit
from the fear and wonder of Mother Nature’s tornados must be cool.
<p>> >19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?<br />
A 1968 VW Kharmann Ghia (with the jewel bezel brake lights), and
I should have never sold it. Selling it was the first of many
automotive mistakes I’d make over the years, but the beginning of a
love affair with Volkswagen cars.
<p>In fact, I made my wife buy a VW.</p> <p>> >20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE?<br />
That’s not a complete sentence, but I think I understand the
question. Hmmm. I kind of like the folks I know. There’s nobody I
can think of that I just HAVE to meet. Maybe Da Vinci, or the
Wright Brothers (oops that’s two people). Oh wait! Faith Hill. Yes,
I want to Meet Faith Hill. But dead, not alive.
<p>That’s not a complete question, but I understand the implication. I <br />
can’t think of anyone who could tell me anything I don’t know, but
maybe DaVinci or the Wright Brothers. I’d also love to know what
Faith Hill sees in Tim McGraw and why she didn’t pick me.
<p>> >21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?<br />
Beer. Hoppy and not too cold.
<p>(Can’t improve on that)</p> <p>> >22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?<br />
Aires. The best one.
<p>Aries. The stubborn one.</p> <p>[editor’s note: I have explained to Brenda that Taurus is the stubborn one, and that Aries is the natural-born, confident, leader.]</p> <p>> >23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?<br />
No, you can’t get me near that shit; stems, tops, or otherwise.
<p>No, I don’t like broccoli. Please refer to question # 14.</p> <p>> >24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT <br />
WOULD IT BE?
aviation columnist/beer critic/humor-travel writer.
<p>Writer.</p> <p>> >25. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR?<br />
Another incomplete sentence. I think I like my hair color just fine
the way it is.
<p>Another incomplete question. I love myself just the way I am.</p> <p>> >26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?<br />
Yeah. Still am. You?
<p>Yes, because I am married to a woman that amazes me daily with <br />
her intellect and wit. She opens my mind to the positive side of life.
<p>> >27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?<br />
Depends on my mood.
<p>Half empty, until Brenda explains why it really is half full.</p> <p>> >28. FAVORITE MOVIES<br />
(in no particular order)
Repo Man, Spinal Tap, Midnight Run, Waiting for Guffman, The Big
Lebowski, Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, Goodfellas, The
Godfather, Mean Streets, Taxi Driver, Breaking Away, South Park
the movie, Brazil, After Hours.
<p>(yeah, these are good)</p> <p>> >29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?<br />
I don’t understand the question, so most likely, no.
<p>I hunt and peck with the best of them.</p> <p>> >30. WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED?<br />
Shoes and shoe boxes with photographs in them. And a medal
from when I got 28th place in a cross country meet. It was a BIG
<p>(I didn’t know about the medal.)</p> <p>> >31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?<br />
Favorite number? What the hell kind of question is that?
<p>I like them all.</p> <p>> >32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?<br />
Baseball. Curling is a close second, very entertaining.
<p>Baseball.</p> <p>> >33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT <br />
THIS TO YOU?!!
Christina is my sister. And I’m proud that she is.
<p>Christina is the best sister in the whole world. She helped raise me <br />
into the responsible, caring person who wrote this. I love you,
<p>> >34. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO<br />
Dawn, because I think she’d be into this kind of crap.
<p>Dawn, because I think she would want to share her insights with <br />
<p>> >35. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO<br />
Tim, because I think his email is broken, and besides he’s all
hooked up with this new chick who I STILL have not met…
<p>Tim, because he’s experiencing a technical difficulty with his <br />
computer e-mail that he hasn’t had time to fix because he is head
over heels for a young lady I still haven’t had the pleasure to meet.
<p>> >36. DO YOU CONSIDER THE PEOPLE YOU FORWARD THIS TO,<br />
PEOPLE YOU MOST RESPECT?
Yet another stupid fucking question. Of course I do!
<p>Yes, of course.</p> <p>So there you have it, the myths of Rob have been shattered. </p>