My pal Mike sent me this very disturbing story:

LONDON (Reuters) – Scientists have discovered fossils of the world’s oldest genitals—belonging to 400 million-year-old insects—in ancient rocks in Scotland.

The penis of the ancient harvestmen insects, commonly known as a daddy-long-legs, was two-thirds the length of the body and remarkably similar to the modern-day species, New Scientist magazine said Wednesday.

“The discovery of the world’s oldest genitals proves that little has changed over the last 400 million years—at least for daddy-long-legs,” the magazine said.

Jason Dunlop and a team of researchers from Humbolt University in Berlin, Germany, who will present their findings at a conference in Aberdeen, also uncovered a long egg-laying organ called an ovipositor from a female.

“As well as genitals, the fossils have the oldest known arachnid respiratory system, suggesting harvestmen’s ancestors had long since crawled out of the sea and learned to breathe,” the magazine said.

Harvestmen arachnids are sometimes mistaken for spiders but they are more closely related to ticks or mites because they do not spin webs.

The previous oldest penis, which dated back 100 million years and was found in Brazil, belonged an ostracod, an early crustacean related to crabs, shrimps and water fleas.

Now, this is disturbing on many levels. First of all, apparently there are people who hunt around for fossilized fun rods; scientists, looking for hard penises. Hmmm, let me rephrase that. Scholars in boner rocks. Forget it; just forget it. There is simply no way to state their profession without cracking a joke and a smile.

OK, second, my aforementioned pal Mike recently graduated from university in Aberdeen, Scotland, the very home of the stone weenie cavalcade mentioned in the article. I’d love to see a joint venture collaboration between the architecture and anthropology departments…

The final paragraph begins with “The previous oldest penis…” That statement is disturbing all by itself, but let’s probe (pun most definitely intended) the true essence of that statement. This means some poor bastard is in charge of keeping penile statistics, and, not only that, but thousands of journalism interns across the globe had to consult this dick maven for friggin’ background info on old peters. Think about it.

Lastly, many of you already know about my previous brushes with nature; what has until now gone untold is that small critters like spiders & crickets are a constant bane around here. And now, the next time I have to smash a daddy long legs with my shoe, I’ll still know that if he were me, he’d have a four foot long youknowwhat. That, folks, is very emasculating!