<p>Paris Hilton is rich.  Heir to hundreds of millions of dollars, she&#8217;s got it made.  Her naked body has also been observed by millions of people by now, jostling playfully on a hotel bed, engaged in a fairly lame sexual romp with her then-boyfriend.</p>

<p>When this story broke a few weeks ago, the internet probably lit up like a christmas tree as millions of people bludgeoned Google with searches like &#8220;Paris Hilton sex tape&#8221; (and right there to back that up were zillions of porn site hosts advertising that they had the &#8220;exclusive&#8221; clip).  Why all the interest?  I&#8217;ll tell you why; jealousy.  We&#8217;re all jealous of the haves.  This chick doesn&#8217;t have to work a day in her life, and we do, so we are jealous.  But I really just couldn&#8217;t have cared about watching a crappy video of some rich girl having sex.  This is America, after all.  Porn is everyplace.</p>

<p>When <a href="http://www.comedycentral.com/tv_shows/thedailyshowwithjonstewart/">Jon Stewart</a> joked about the clip a couple weeks ago, you just KNEW he&#8217;d seen it.  I began to wonder, how many people HAD gone off In Search Of Paris?  </p>

<p>Then Ms. Hilton herself appeared in a clip the other day, on Lewis Black&#8217;s segment.  She was buying a purse.  Dialog follows:<br />

Paris: “How much is this (giggle)?

Shopkeeper: (distorted)

Paris: “Fifteen hundred? I’ll take it. (giggle).

<p>Fifteen hundred bucks for a purse, and all fifteen hundred bucks just handed to her by the family.  That was it, I was off to the internet, that clearing house of porn, looking for the clip.  I just had to feel superior, if only for two minutes and fifty few seconds.  If you can&#8217;t beat &#8216;em, watch &#8216;em having sex.</p>

<p>No, I will not send you the clip.  Learn how to use usenet, for chrissakes.  Besides, I deleted it already anyway.</p>

<p>However, I submit <a href="http://www.observer.com/pages/story.asp?ID=8183">this</a>, the funniest piece I have found online about this whole debacle. And then there&#8217;s <A href="http://www.kottke.org/03/11/paris-hilton-sex-tape">this</a>, and <a href="http://www.bobfromaccounting.com/bunsen/column11_14.html">this</a> too.  Enjoy.</p>

<p>I hope her show bombs, but I know that&#8217;s not how this country works.  Excuse me, but Paris Hilton is not qualified to appear in anything that purports to be based on reality.  (giggle)</p>