Dear Musical Directors,

Why do you Dems continually insist on picking these weak-ass songs for your campaigns? I thought it was bad when Bubba Clinton went with Fleetwood Mac and “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow”, but Kerry’s musical iconography is equally lame. It’s rockin’ just enough, I guess, to make him feel cool, without scaring anyone. Well, I say show some balls!

Besides, isn’t the music supposed to support the platform? Think about this: with that religious right-wing maniac we have in office, I say, what better way to show you are the antithesis of Bush than to go with Van Halen’s “Running with the Devil” as your campaign theme? (Mr. Kerry, you could even stick with the catholic/homophobe vibe with this tune. I mean, how much more un-gay could you get than Van Halen??!! Early-VH is definitely way less-gay than the freakin’ “Rumors” album, that’s for sure. Listen to reason, John. Listen to reason.)

Couldn’t you just see it?

Ba ba ba, wa waAAAAA, wa wa wa na ner naaaa…

Kerry takes the stage, and just as his Lee Press-on Smile is starting to scare the assembled listeners, we hear David Lee Roth:

“Yeah yeahaaaaaaa, ahhhhhh YEAAhhHHAA!!!!!” dooovvv, ner-ner…

No wait, even better, we actually have David Lee Roth, in a yellow and black assless spandex jumpsuit, prancing around down front! Yeah, that’s it!

And then John Kerry could crib from the lyrics:

“My fellow Americans, I found the simple life, ‘ain’t so simple’...”

(guitar solo)

“My fellow Americans, I say to you, whoo! Whoo! Oh god one more time!”

(guitar solo)

So uh, what do you think?


A Concerned Citizen