Working for a sustainable design consultant, as I do, I am continually exposed to exciting and interesting individuals with progressive views and ideas. The climate change crisis is real, and I'm excited to be helping in some small way to affect architectural design in a positive and sustainable way. But the sustainable message is bubbling over into my colleagues' email signatures, as evidenced by a recent email, which carried the following message after the author's signoff:

"please consider the environment before printing this message."

What a great idea, to follow every email message with a smug, self-satisfied, holier-than-thou little dig at your own client, I thought! That's not condescending at all! So this evening I sat down to draft my very own "green email signature". I'm very excited about my drafts so far:

  • Like, don't print this, OK?
  • Printing this message kills trees. Print is murder!
  • Please consider filing this email in an email folder and refraining from printing it, since that would be redundant and a waste of space, time and paper. Just make sure you back up your hard drive, you idiot.
  • Please respond to this email as soon as possible, as I am soon unplugging all my electrical devices and moving to the woods. And this should go without saying, but you should NOT print this message, since the more you print, the less woods I will have left to live in. Again, please hurry.
  • You know pal, you really should think about what you're doing there, with your mouse cursor on the "print" button; don't you realize that trees are a precious and beautiful resource? You already have the material, right there in front of your oil-thirsty face, in digital format. You should read it on your monitor instead of wasting precious paper to print out what you already have, you heartless bastard! I can't believe you could be so stupid, you PAPER WASTER! _Of course, by reading it on your monitor you're running your computer which consumes about 450 watts of power while it's running whereas you could print this out on a few sheets of paper and power down. Hmmm. Let me think about this for a second._ I've got it! I'll just bet you don't do two-sided printing, thereby wasting TWICE as much paper as I do when I print things duplex (even though I almost never, ever, print things, because I am pleased to consider the environment before doing so)! Oh you climate change accelerator, you! I _hate_ you! Yes, far better that you read this on screen, especially since you don't have a duplex printer. Come to think of it, you should really get a duplex printer; I can't believe you don't have one of those! Jesus, you are a resource hogging pig! Aren't you glad you have me to help you think about these issues? By the way, how many miles per gallon do you get with you car? You DO drive a hybrid, don't you? Put that hamburger DOWN, dammit! LISTEN TO ME!!